Having been alone for so very long makes me accustomed to the feeling of loneliness. I dread the thought of trying to seek something that I may not be destined for. Not every soul has a mate, some are meant to walk the road of life alone. I have always assumed I am one of those souls since I have never known true love. Lately, I have begun to doubt this assumption. My heart has grown empty and now has the desire for a companion.
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I am able to live in my own home with my sons only because of the help I receive from my mother and the assistance I get in the form of food stamps. I have always paid for cable for the year with income taxes. This year I will not be so lucky. There is no income by which to file and receive a refund. I recently noticed that Amazon offered free eBooks. At first I was quite dismayed because I thought I could not take advantage of these great deals but, then I noticed a free app of kindle for PC. I was overjoyed at the thought of being able to create my own digital library. I downloaded the app and started a quick search of Amazon for free eBooks. I found quite a few that I really liked and even found some for each of my 3 sons. I first created All of Me in order to have a place to write and remind myself to look for the happiness that can be found in each day. I was having trouble seeing it if I didn't have a way to prove to myself that it was there. I felt obligated to write something every day and I do still. Though my world is clouded by the darkness of poverty and pain, I am able to see the light that shines in each and every day. My sons are a source of light. They are able to put a smile on my face even when the storms of pain are drenching my body. The Lord, Jesus, is my greatest light. He gives me strength to stand in the face of all that seeks to crush me. Alone I sit while my children play all around me. Alone for reasons I still do not understand. Some claim to be my friend but, their faces I never see. Why must it be this way? Why must I be so lonely? I do not desire this way of life at all. I do not seek to be the center of attention. I only seek to be noticed …by someone …by anyone. None understand the pain of loneliness unless they feel it for themselves but, how many really do? How many are like I find myself since I first can remember? |
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